Fire Emblem: Land Wars
by Mischief Mage
Summary: Frelia is playing host to a reunion of the team that defeated the Demon King. But when disaster strikes the party and King Hayden is killed, there will be bigger issues to deal with then the seating plan. EphraimXTana, InnesXEirika. Silliness
1. Chapter 1

**Mischief Mage:** Just to clarify, the engagements between Eirika and Innes and Tana and Ephraim are NOT arranged.

* * *

Castle Frelia. At peace. Untainted by the evil that had swept the continent not so long ago. All nations of Magevel had reconciled and lenient punishments were dealt to Grado due to the war being caused by the dark stone rather then by ill intent. Villagers in the victim nations had spent months lobbying for harsher punishments. Rumours flourished; bartenders swearing that the Royal twins had started the war, having stolen Emperor Vigarde's mauve hair dye, which of course was easier to believe than an Emperor leading his nation to war according to the whims of a rock the size of a large marble. It had become an exhausted cliché to say "The rock made me do it!" as the actors' enraged stage wives pursued them across the stage, brandishing steel rolling pins, an innovation that had been developed during the time of war, making breaking into a soup kitchen without at least 50 cavalry a suicide mission.

Nations were further united by the numerous marriage ties that had been made. Now, if a Frelian spat at a Rausten citizen, a politician of Grado would be complained to which would cause a hasty discussion with a contact in Jehanna, which would result in a message being sent to a dear cousin in-law in Renais who would ride up to Border Mulan and give the Frelian a sharp kick in the meat and veges with steel capped boots within an hour of the crime.

Frelia, where even the weather seemed elated, villagers swearing that there had never been a brighter summer or a more mild winter. From above the castle gardens, two figures could be seen running through the rose bushes, hands held tightly. Princess Tana and King Ephraim, engaged to be wed. They turned a corner to enter a secluded rose garden, they looked around to see that they were alone before flinging their arms around each other, holding each other tightly, lips locked. They sat down beside the stone fountain. But as soon as he had sat down, Ephraim leapt up, yelping.

"AHHH! GET IT OFF ME!"

Tana leapt up after him to pull off the previously concealed bear trap which Ephraim had sat on. Bear trap removed, Ephraim remained standing, rubbing his backside gingerly.

"Don't you dare tell me that someone must have left it there by accident" he put in before Tana could open her mouth

"They could've"

"That's what you said for every spot that we came to. Bear traps in the rose gardens, a hidden pit beside the camellia bushes, a trip rope across the pathway to the geraniums, piranhas in the pond. Oh! And you can't seriously think that someone had let twenty hunting hounds into the gardens to give them a bit of fresh air. I'm sorry Tana, but this is Innes's doing. He is the one with the power over your royal hunters"

Tana looked down dejected before looking up, the light of a new idea twinkling behind her dark eyes. She grasped Ephraim by the hand and led him down a track of rose bush hurdles into the castle. Ephraim knew where they were going. He had been there in the dead of the night when Innes had been either asleep or conveniently needed elsewhere. Tana stopped at an ornate door and opened it to her room. Ephraim followed her in, closing the door behind him and locking it. He strode the middle of the room where Tana met him with a kiss. Ephraim put his strong arms around her, hands straying in opposite directions. He ran his hand through her thick hair when,

SNAP

"SHIIIIT!"

One arm still around Tana, Ephraim broke away from her kiss, shaking his hand in an attempt to dislodge the mouse trap that held tightly to his fingers. The trap clattered to the floor and Ephraim blew his fingers.

"I'm guessing that the Royal huntsmen goes all the way down to the rat catchers?"

"Looks like it"

"Innes had that put in your hair without you noticing?"

"I guess so."

Ephraim drew away quickly, pulling his unbruised hand out from Tana's skirt warily.

Tana sat down on the side of the bed that she normally sat on, almost in tears.

Ephraim sat down on the opposite side of the double bed before deciding to move over to her side, having just sat on a mattress of nails.

Tana began to weep, her head in her hands, Ephraim put his arm around her.

"The sooner we get married the better" Tana said between sniffs.

Ephraim sighed and looked out the window overlooking the courtyard. He squeezed Tana tightly. The guests were arriving.

* * *

It had been more than a year since the war of the Stones and King Hayden had felt it time for a reunion of the original party. Courts were left to the leadership of trusted advisors as warriors and leaders from all the nations journeyed to Frelia. Many came in pairs, Kyle and Syrene arriving from Renais to cheers from Forde who had moved to Frelia to be with Vanessa. Seth had arrived in a wagon, both his legs in thick casts. In a freak accident, he had fallen off of his horse, which is a big deal because he had a BIG horse. But to be exact he had fallen off his horse which had been standing on a steep ledge over a valley of pricker bushes, thus explaining his shattered bones.

Eirika and Ephraim had arrived a day earlier than the rest, anxious to see their respective fiancés again. Tana had met them with cries of joy while Innes had met, Ephraim at least, with scowls.

While Tana and Ephraim had gone gallivanting off through the castle, Eirika and Innes had gone down to the gates to greet the guests. This was part of a programme which King Hayden had devised to put an end to the idea that Innes was an unpleasant piece of work who could carry a grudge to the end of the world and back, stopping only once to yell at Ephraim's bedroom window to keep away from his sister. It was an idea that Innes, in fact, secretly liked to cultivate.

So far, Innes had handled his duty has welcoming host admirably, mostly for Eirika's sake. He had restrained himself when L'Arachel had commented on ways in which the royal gardens could be improved; however the expression on his face as Ewan ran through the gardens sending fireballs at the petrified hounds suggested that the only reason that he hadn't gutted the young sage was because he didn't want to get boy blood and guts splattered on his pale suit. Ewan's antics raised the question for Eirika.

"Innes, why _are_ their hounds in the gardens?"

"Foxes have been making burrows in the flower beds"

"But why _twenty_ hounds?"

"They're pretty big foxes"

"So why did you decide to dispatch them the moment Ephraim and Tana went for a walk?"

"Foxes can be vicious you know"

"And why were the dogs half starved?"

"I had to make cuts somewhere. This reunion has already exceeded its budget. Besides, hungry dogs will be more enthusiastic to attack foxes than bloated mutts"

"But didn't you think that they might attack Ephraim or Tana'

"The royal hounds are trained not to attack the princess and Ephraim can handle himself"

"You planned your response didn't you?"

"You know me far too well"

* * *

Before long, the sun had set. The guests had been shown to their rooms where they now slept. All the windows of the castle were dark, save one. King Hayden sat at his desk, hair tousled after pulling at it in frustration, bits of paper lain before him, each with the name of a guest on it. He had taken it upon himself to organise the seating arrangements for the next day. Last time the task was given to Innes, Tana was left in the corner bawling while he and Ephraim duelled, swing from banners and edging across bookcases while Eirika hid beneath the table having given up on trying to control them. But then, if the task were given to Tana, the only difference in the result would be that the duel would have been started for completely different reasons and Tana's tears would flow at a slightly accelerated rate.

_If Tana and Ephraim sat to one side of me and Eirika and Innes to the other…then they wouldn't have to look at each other. But then that would leave Innes facing Ewan._

Hayden groaned, last time Innes had taken a trip to Caer Pelyn, he had returned with charcoal black hair after chasing Ewan all through the valley pelting him with everything from bird's nests to poultry. Ewan could be moved but if he did, then Saleh would have to move with him. But then the only place that Saleh could be moved, Myrrh would be out of sight, which Saleh would NOT be happy with. Hayden had once suggested that Saleh tie Myrrh's foot to his own. This remark had been met by a stare that quite clearly said "If-you-dare-say-that-again-i-will-stick-my-mend-staff-up-your-left-nostril". Meanwhile, there were couples which would need to be kept together, Franz and Amelia, Forde and Vanessa, Kyle with Syrene and Lute and Artur. And then Franz wished to sit beside his brother and his brother's wife beside her sister and so forth. It was almost too much.

Just then the oil lamp on the corner of Hayden's desk went out with a "wuf". Hayden sighed, he picked the lamp up and shook it hopefully. No luck. The lamp was as dry as the jokes he had told Fado during those awkward silences as they both held their son's who pointed at each other with broken toy swords.

Hayden pushed his chair back and walked out of the room and down the stairs to the oil storeroom. He was not going to miss being king once Innes and Eirika were marri- wait, what was that noise?

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Mischief Mage:** By the way...anonymous reviews are welcome

* * *

"INNES!

Tana cried out her brother's name as she sped out of the castle out into the gardens where Innes was directing the laying out of furniture like an unhappy conductor with a twitch in his right arm. He spun around when he heard her urgent tone.

"What is it Tana?" he asked, as she flung her arms around his middle and made a see-through patch in his white shirt with her tears.

"Innes! It's terrible! Whatever shall we do?" Tana wailed.

"Tana! Tell me what happened immediately!"

Innes gasped, "Was it Ephraim?" he yelled, grabbing his sister by the shoulders.

"I'm sorry Innes, but I'm not capable of every despicable act that occurs"

Eirika and Ephraim had just arrived. Both looked shaken.

Innes, looked at their pale faces in fear, "Eirika..." he asked, "What's happened?"

Eirika gripped her hands tightly, "Your father is dead."

"Wh…What?"

"An explosion in the storeroom, the oil must have caught alight. It was a mage's fire"

Innes could only stare.

"But who? L'Arachel?" Once that woman got an idea in her head, there was no changing it.

"Actually…"

A short figure with flaming red hair stepped out from behind Eirika.

"YOU!"

* * *

It hadn't been Ewan's fault that he was scared, Rennac had told him the story of the phantom that haunted Frelia castle's corridors. And then Ross had dared him to go out into the corridor, bringing back some mead from the store room as proof. Why Ross wanted mead Ewan had no idea, but he set off down the dark corridor nonetheless. He strode through the narrow corridor, head held high so that Ross could see him. But as soon as his room was out of sight, he crouched down, hands over his head, his robe stuffed in his mouth to mute his howls of terror.

Once he had vented his fear and had soaked the corner of his robe, he sprinted to the store room. He came to the door to find it shut. Ewan pushed the knowledge that ghouls live behind doorways from his mind and kicked open to find…

A tall, dark figure looming over him. (Actually, the figure wasn't all that tall but then again, it's not hard to loom over Ewan)

Ewan's hands plunged into his robes to pull out his elfire spell book. Now was the time his training in the war to come through! What would master Saleh do in a time like this?

…

_Run Ewan, use your scrawny legs!_

That's not what Saleh would have done. So instead, Ewan sent a ball of flames in a random direction _before_ running and screaming like a little girl, vowing to never bring the matter up. Ross could come and get the mead himself!

As luck would have it, that one ball of flames shot at random managed to zoom straight past the figure onto the crates of oil refills.

The figure had only two things to say before being engulfed by orange fire.

"Oh fuck"

* * *

An insane Innes had chased Ewan up and down the court yard for almost an hour, not counting when Ewan had hidden behind a hedge and Innes had thrown ceramic pots at him whenever he poked his head up to squeak out an apology.

"Prince Innes! I'm so sorr-OW" as a shard of pot cuffed him around the head.

The hunt eventually ended once Innes found a pot big enough to fit Ewan and had raised it as if to trap him in it but instead cracked it over the young boy's head.

Innes panted before looking up to survey the damage. It looked like a tornado had come through, done a U-turn and come back. The seats put out were definitely _not_ where Innes had wanted them, the piranhas that he had put in the fish pond the day before flapped tragically on the grass, the servants hid quaking behind upturned tables, the largest piece of ceramic pot was the size of his thumb, the gardens were churned with foot prints that continued onto the paths, stamping the ground with mud, even the vicious hounds lay flat on the ground, paws over their eyes, whimpering. The frelian prince felt heat rising in his neck, he glanced at Tana and the royal twins who could not have looked as shocked as if Innes had asked Ephraim to marry him.

Ephraim recovered first.

"Tana, take Innes and Eirika to the study, you can work things out there. I'll counsel the servants and get them working again."

Wordlessly, Tana led Innes and Eirika up to her father's study. Tana sat down in Hayden's chair and broke down completely.

Innes looked around him frantically. He could understand Tana's feelings. It was his father who was dead as well. But Innes had a very two dimensional view on tears. Tears were bad. Something that stopped tears had to be good. It had always worked in the past so Innes started shouting.

"TANA STOP IT AT ONCE!"

"Why should I brother, our father is dead!"

Innes hadn't thought this far ahead. But Innes anger was like an elephant sliding down an oily hillside. It gains momentum fast and is hard to stop.

"SO?"

Tana stared at him.

"Innes, do you not understand? Father is dead. He's D-E-A- ---"

Another wave of tears burst through.

"I know that! But just…just STOP!"

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm your brother! Respect my sanity!"

"What's your point? It's not like your king!"

"Ahem"

Both turned to look viciously at Eirika. She was un-phased by the looks of pure venom that they shot her. This was a skill necessary to maintain a long term relationship with Innes. She spoke in an unwavering but sad voice.

"That's what the problem is. Now that Hayden is…gone, Innes _is_ king"

"See? Now will you _puh-lease_ stop crying!"

"That wasn't quite what I meant Innes."

But it didn't matter. Tana had stopped crying and was now looking very worried.

"Innes is…king?"

"Yes"

"King of Frelia"

"Yes"

"He has to sit on the throne?"

"_Yes_"

"He has to wear the coronet?"

"_Yes Tana"_

"The pointy one?"

"_Yes Tana, Innes will need to wear the pointy coronet"_

"But I thought that was the queen's coronet. So…who's going to wear the King's one?"

"Uhhh…"

Eirika looked across to Innes who she saw was looking back at her.

"Well I suppose," he began slowly, "that this would be a good as time as any for us to be wed Eirika. Are you opposed to the idea?"

Eirika fiddled with her sleeve. She had been doing that ever since the news of King Hayden's death. It now looked like someone like Marisa had tried to wash it, so she looked up instead.

"I think I'm ready"

Tana leapt up, all signs of tears gone. Eirika sometimes wondered whether her dear friend actually practised turning on and off the waterworks.

"Well in that case, then Ephraim and I should be married as well." She cried joyfully, clapping her hands like child being told that her arithmetic teacher had had an unfortunate run in with an insane butcher.

"WHAT?"

Tana turned to face her brother who was on his feet, seething.

"Why not brother? You gave Ephraim your permission a year ago."

"I was not aware that it would actually get to this. I hadn't planned-… Uh oh"

Innes stopped abruptly, the look that Tana was giving him would have made the Demon king cower under a table, eyes screwed shut no doubt.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD COME TO THIS? I'M TELLING EPHRAIM!"

Tana bolted out the door, Innes close behind her, vainly trying to bribe her to keep her loosely hanging trap shut.

Eirika was left alone in the study.

_Two weddings, a reunion, a coronation and a funeral. The perks of getting over Lyon. _

Shaking her head, she left the room, dragging her feet all the way.


	3. Chapter 3

**Mischief mage:** Sorry that this chapter took so long. I got sidetracked by other fics

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The wedding that was celebrated the next day throughout all of Frelia was a roaring success; if by success you meant Ephraim's organs weren't evenly spread out over the large city like pate and if by roaring you meant that despite how much Innes roared at people to find his sister, Ephraim and Tana were successfully married in the dungeon of the castle by Natasha so that Moulder wouldn't be charged with treason and hung up by his ankles with the prisoners who had witnessed the marriage.

The coronation which took place immediately after was followed by Ephraim and Tana's departure while Innes was having Ewan swear his life to him. Saleh had tried to intervene, saying in a much more eloquent way than I have used that Ewan was essentially already _his _personal slave. Innes didn't bat an eyelid and proceeded to point out that Frelia's warriors had been an integral part of the defeat of the demon king and that he was _king, _in fact, that he was king because _Ewan_ had killed the late king HaydenHe also added that if it wasn't Ewan it would be Myrrh. At this, Ewan's suitability for the position was made clear to Saleh and he was back in Caer Pelyn with Myrrh before his pupil had even been informed about his sudden class change.

And so, several weeks after the weddings, Ewan was immensely grateful for the letter addressed to the King of Frelia as it was an excuse to stop cleaning out the Pegasi stables. You know how a Pegasus would need to be a bigger than a horse to accommodate the wings to get them and their rider off the ground? Yeah well, their bodies aren't the only things that get bigger. With a literal orb of stink radiating around him, Ewan padded up the stairs to the King's study. He creaked the door open and stuck his red hair in around the door.

'Errr sir?'

'Yes eternally bound slave whose head is on fire again?'

'What?' Ewan put his hand to his head. After not having his fingers burnt off, he realised that Innes had been making fun of his hair. _Again._ Having a hall full of servants had given Innes time to be creative.

'What do you mean "what?" I asked _you _a question.'

'I didn't mean anything…'

'Then why are you here?'

'Well, I did mean something-I mean, I did have something to tell you- I mean, give you- I mean…'

The poor boy trailed off. Innes wasn't actually a bad king or a bad man. It's just that he was still peeved about how his father had been murdered and how only a pile of ashes had remained to be buried. His sense of compassion kicked in just as the boy before him looked like he might soil himself.

'What's the letter that you have there?'

'Oh, that's right; it's the letter that you were expecting from the provisional government of Grado'

'Give it here.'

Ewan reached out so that he could transfer the letter into his master's hand while not actually taking a step any closer to him.

Innes told him that that would be all and that he could return to the stables.

Ewan turned to go just as the king, looking hard at the wax seal of the letter in his hands, added,

'Boy, put you're hair out'

Ewan forced a laugh while internally considering dying his hair mauve, pulling the door shut behind him with a small click.

Alone in his study, Innes shook his head, grinning. He knew that Ewan's hair and the low-hanging candelabras and would come to aid his boredom one day. He looked out the window towards the immense Pegasus stables, hoping that the beans that he had had Gillam sneak into the feed would be coming through before Ewan figured out that he was a fire hazard.

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It hadn't been much of a honeymoon. The new king and Queen of Renais had been trying for weeks to seize a day that wasn't disrupted by some national matter. Although Ephraim had slightly more tolerance for such matters, Tana was having difficulty putting wild dracozombies flattening villages into perspective.

Just as his Frelian counterpart was doing, Ephraim was in his study, pouring over a letter from Grado which had been delivered by a faithful servant with flaming red hair. However, unlike Innes, Ephraim hadn't set Seth's head on fire to match its natural shade.

The letter read:

'To the Amazing, awe-inspiring, cool, extraordinary, fabulous, great, groovy, incredible, marvellous, phenomenal, spectacular, stupendous, superb, super-duper, terrific, valiant, wonderful, tremendous King,

'On behalf of the Provisional government of Grado, I have here outlined that which is to be transferred to the victorious nations as of next month. This includes: all of forces in Grado, excepting those brought in by victorious nations are to be demilitarised; all forms of psycho dragon-like zombies are to be eradicated no matter number of soldiers eaten in the process, the next leader of the country may only be chosen after consultation by the provisional government with the leaders of neighbouring nations; any use of necromancy will result in the user being imprisoned for life in a pure white chamber filled with furry animals, fields and artificially produced rainbows and the zombies will be put down; finally, Grado's nation will be reduced to that it's borders lie along the Taizel coastline, the Renvall highway and along the border of Jehanna as it had previously. The land that has been confiscated as a result of Grado's war crimes may be divided between the victorious nations by the discretion of their leaders.

'Your recently faithful slaves,

'The Grado Provisional Government'

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Innes looked up from his letter which was identical to the one in Ephraim's study miles away. Eirika had appeared and had been reading it over his shoulder.

'Notice that your adjectives have been alphabetised' she said, pointing to the top of the letter.

'What? Oh, I hadn't noticed that'

There was a brief pause as husband and wife stared at the letter, rereading specific areas.

The king then added, 'I suppose I'll have to contact Ephraim a few eternities earlier than I had expected'

'Why's that?'

'Who else is going to decide which nation the land goes to?'

Eirika was beginning to feel that a holiday to one of the coastal islands might be in order.


	4. Chapter 4

**Mischief Mage:** Halloooo everybody. Finally i got some writing done. My exams have been eating my creative brain. Well here's the next chapter and it doesn't matter if you don't like it 'cause it was so much fun to write. So ...enjoy?

**Note: **The opinions of characters i express in this chapter or in any chapter don't necessarily reflect the way i see them or the way my game went. It was just useful for the plot.

* * *

The sunlight was rolling through the spotless windows at such a low angle that you could almost have played photon pool on it. It also signalled the beginning of the sun's slow set on the castle of Frelia where the Royal youths of Magvel were gathered in diplomatic peace talk, civilly cutting up the land confiscated from Grado like a cake. Actually, more like a chewy, badly cooked steak as, no matter what, it just didn't seem to want to divide in a way that pleased everyone. 

Eirika pulled a thin lock of hair behind her ear wearily, just for it to swing forward again. Her thighs were numb on the wooden stool which she had been sitting on for four hours and counting. She held out a porcelain teapot that was decorated with delightfully free Pegasi that galloped around its base in an annoyingly cheerful way.

'Tea, Joshua?'

The ball of soft scarlet spikes lifted itself from the table to shake itself in a sleepy, 'No' before replacing itself on the polished oak.

Desperate to find herself some form of occupation, the Queen of Frelia motioned to one of the servants that was standing erect, back parallel to the wall with eyes that told her that this particular young man had a doctorate in the art of sleeping with your eyes open. She asked him quietly once he was beside her, 'How is Cormag?'

'Fine now, milady' came the answer

From beneath the curtain of red locks that was Joshua's head, came the words 'lucky bastard'

Sir Cormag, the one representative of Grado who had been called to be present simply so that the residents of the confiscated land could know which country's banner to buy as soon as possible, was a man of the battlefield who didn't know the King Ephraim or King Innes as well as Sir Duessel did (this in fact being the reason why he had been sent rather than the Obsidian General himself).

Unable to handle the … lengthy discussions of who should get which province, Cormag had taken to drinking whole pots of tea in a go and then taking large breaks to go to the bathroom. However, this tactic backfired as his hosts thought it impolite to continue the discussion without him. After the third hour, the urges for action that welled up within the man had overwhelmed him and he had cracked the refilled teapot full of scalding green tea over his head; cutting himself rather nastily and making his skin turn a nasty, bacon-y colour and texture. He was sent to a doctor and given leave to remain there. No doubt he was now gallivanting happily up and down the infirmary with his head heavily bandaged, knocking over bottles and important looking instruments.

Eirika looked up and down the table, taking in the dozing leaders and ducking just in time to avoid a small porcelain figure that shot in her direction from the two leaders who weren't asleep. She heard the white figure hit the floor and heard its various body-parts skitter in all directions along the stone. Within seconds, the pieces were being swept up by some glassy eyed servants. She peered over the edge to see whose little head was being swept up by a roughly bristled brush; because these weren't just figures, they were figurines.

Naturally, when a band of largely young men and women with designer hair colours saves the world from a nicely purely evil Demon King, within three months of the end of the war, the rights to the story are bought and the merchandise is to the bazaars. Eirika had been greatly amused and had bought a 'Silver Knight' plushie with large button eyes and horse with opposable legs and tail. Meanwhile, Innes had sued the producers of the 'Prince Innes; he talks, he screams, he gesticulates (MSTs (Magic Source Tubes (wow, brackets within brackets within brackets)) not included).' Anyway this miniature Dozla that had smashed into tiny iddy biddy pieces was part of a War of the Stones set. Kids could also buy boards that were divided up into grids in which you could conduct little battles with anonymous red enemy units. Rather silly really.

The 'discussion' had commenced with Innes and Ephraim 'civilly' explaining why their own nation was most deserving for the confiscated land. Innes had then called Ephraim foolish using a large number of words and using, for the first time in Eirika's experience, the word 'biscuit' in a insulting way. They had taken a Cormag-needs-to-go-pee-really-really-bad break and recommenced with another 'civil' discussion, Ephraim growing slowly redder and redder with frustration, finally telling L'arachel to keep her goody-good fuzz head out of matters that happened in the real world. If Innes had not been envious for not thinking that one up himself, he would have given Ephraim a pat on the back. They had broken up for lunch then, partly because their table had broken down the middle thanks to L'Arachel. Finally, they had brought in a new table and Innes and Ephraim had, after three more hours of 'discussion', had brought in the miniature models and were now working out which nation had provided more units to the conquering war party.

'Look, Innes' said an exasperated Ephraim for the umpteenth time, 'I'm telling you that if you are going to decide this by how many warriors each nation produced then Renais is the obvious victor'

Innes leaned back on his chair, saying in a dangerous voice, 'Is that so?'

Ephraim impatiently seized a handful of porcelain figures and placed them firmly on the table as he listed their names, making a faint 'donk' sound as they hit the polished wood.

'_Look_. Seth, Franz, Lute, Artur, Ross, Colm, Neimi, Forde, Ky-'

'That's cheating Ephraim!' Innes cut in like a well aimed knife.

'_What!?_'

Innes stood and leant over the table, snapping up the little figures of Forde, Kyle and Eirika.

'At the end of the war, Forde became engaged to Vanessa, Kyle to Syrene and Eirika to…' he paused a moment, he probably hadn't thought much about their marriage so far, 'me. As a result, they moved into Frelia and took up commissions and royal titles in the service of Frelia. Not to mention,' he added, 'Ewan is now my personal slave'

He finished with a smug look on his face. Ephraim just gawked.

But eventually the King of Renais composed himself and, having given up trying to make Innes see reason, he pulled mini-Tana and Amelia across to his side.

'Well Tana became Queen of _Renais_ and Amelia lives with Franz now in _Renais_'

Innes scowled and seized another.

'Well I get Cormag, he swore allegiance to Frelia'

'Well _Myrrh_ is _basically_ allied with Renais. Plus, she's part-_dragon_ that must be worth something!'

'No way Ephraim, one body, one count; no matter the size or species.'

'Hey!' Ephraim cried out, snatching away a small model on a horse, 'L'Arachel isn't from Frelia! She has her own nation to represent'

'Well she doesn't really seem to care about the land in this instance' Innes retorted, gesturing down towards the other end of the table where she was swirling the dregs of her tea around in the saucer.

'So?'

'So _I _claim her as she was closer to me than she was to you. I also get all of her warriors.'

'Well _I_ get Dussel and Knoll!'

'Pfft. A grape general gone to seed and a string bean in a raincoat; big deal. I get Saleh as he did train my current slave and- Oh!' an idea struck him, 'I also get Joshua and the inhabitants of Jehanna.' And so, using his arms like a snow plough, he pulled a large pile of models towards him, a smug smirk plastered on his usually scowling face.

But Ephraim had other ideas.

'Oh no you don't!' he roared, leaning right over the table and pulling as many of the Jehanna models back to his side. 'Joshua joined Eirika long before you were on the scene'

'Eirika is with Frelia, you moron!'

'Hey don't call me a moron! Besides, Eirika acted at that time on behalf _Renais_!'

'I'll call you a moron if I want! Anyway, what kind of relationship did _you _have with Joshua!? At least I talked to him'

'Losing your retirement savings in games of head or tails hardly counts as a friendly relationship-' Ephraim paused for a minute, mouth screwed uncomfortably as it battled with his calm demeanour to pronounce the word 'loser'

'I can prove we're friends!' Innes spat.

He hurried down to Eirika's side of the table and yanked Joshua's head up from the tabletop by his shoulders. The King blinked groggily.

'Fsssttiph?'

'Joshua, you're my best friend aren't you?' Innes asked in a voice that indicated the only non-fatal answer would be 'yessiree my bestest, bestest buddy!'

But Joshua took a gamble and adopted a look of mild mortification.

'Innes, stop that!' Ephraim smacked the King's arms and pulled poor Joshua from his grasp.

'There now' he said, brushing his friend down whilst Innes sulked, 'Innes can be like that, but we'll always be friends won't we?'

Joshua tried to nod but couldn't as Innes had wrapped both his arms around his head, holding him still.

'But my dear friend, Joshua' he said with a vampiric smile (very white and very dangerous), 'Think about that game we played together. What was it you made from it? Five grand maybe? Not that I mind, mind you' he added, grinning meaningfully at the head he held in his arm.

Ephraim shoved Innes roughly, forcing him to loosen his grip around Joshua's angular jaw.

'You snake, bribery won't get us anywhere! Besides,' he said, turning and smiling in a familiar way to the now thoroughly shaken red head, 'Joshua has far too much integrity to kneel before the treachery of a tyrant, isn't that right? By the way, Joshua you were interested in purchasing some land in Renais, well there is a lovely patch that oversees the lake not five kilometres from the castle. I would be honoured to gift it to you, free of charge.'

Rolling his eyes, Innes pushed Ephraim out of the way to kneel before Joshua's chair.

'Don't be ridiculous Ephraim, Joshua is tired, and we've been talking for hours. He needs a break, a sleep. Would you like your room upgraded? There's a much more spacious room on the second floor with an ensuite bathroom. I could have Ewan attend you if you lik-'

'How about a night out on the town?' Ephraim panted as Innes was knocked over, 'The seafood here is exquisite and the wine is just as-'

'A new Pegasus foal has been born recently, it could be well utilised on the Jehanna landscape'

'I employ the greatest blacksmith and blade dealer on Magevel, I could get a new edge made for you if you like'

'How about a tour around Frelia in the flying coach?'

'A new suit'

'A banquet'

'Dancing girls!'

'Wine'

'Gold'

'Myrrh'

'Frankincense'

'Other general worldly pleasures!'

'Horses!'

'Land!'

'Castles!'

'Ships!'

'My solar brace'

'My teddy bear!'

'Hey you nong! That's my teddy bear!'

'Nah-uhh! My mother gave it to me for my birthday when I was ten'

'No, you shot that one into the lake while you were playing with nidhogg. I'm telling you that that's _mine_!'

'I'm telling you, you berk, it's my bear and if you want it, you're going to have to take it by force'

'I can go with that, shrimp'

'Bring it on toerag'

Joshua viewed the growing cloud of fists, feet and teeth with wide-eyed calmness. After deciding that he had seen enough, he lay his head back down on the polished oak but not before looking across at Eirika again.

'Yeah, I could go for some tea.'

* * *

**Mischief Mage: **You can expect the next chapter sooner than this one took...but not too soon. I gotta have some summertime don't i? 


	5. Chapter 5

**Mischief Mage:** Heres' the next chapter. Sorry that it's a short one but this I was only prepared to address this one incident in this chapter. Read and review.

* * *

King Ephraim awoke in bed a week later, mind buzzing with spots induced by the bruises Innes had given his temples. He was so lucky to have his sister. He and Innes might actually have ripped each other limb from limb if she hadn't reminded them that, if they did, the dry cleaning bill would be through the roof. Eirika and Tana had then decided with Joshua and L'Arachel that the confiscated land would be divided into half between Renais and Frelia. Innes and Ephraim had been resolved to resolve the teddy bear dispute in a court of law within the next half-year. 

Ephraim rubbed his eyes wearily, unable to remember why he had actually woken up. He had been haunted through his dreams of his precious poopsie's (the bear) button eyes and matted chocolate brown fur which was scarce after being hugged so often. Innes was also a recurring motif of his dreams, normally a close up of his face far off in the background cackling maniacally and pelting him with porcelain missiles.

But strangely enough, this was definitely not what had woken him up. He had been beating the boss in his dream with his super laser beam fire breath powers and his enchanted flying staircase.

Just as he lay his head back down beside Tana's, pushing some of her massive hair from his face and wrapping an arm around her waist, he heard what had woken him.

He rushed to the east facing wall and pushed the windows open, letting the rising sunlight flood in along with waves of smoke. Coughing, he fanned the smoke away and, squinting through grey to the forest on the edge of the grounds, he saw a massive straight line of charred trees. But the burning seemed to have stopped and as the smoke cleared, Ephraim was able to see four figures moving slowly across the lawn. He couldn't see what they were doing. One was standing back, pointing and occasionally yelling and hitting a small figure on the head. The small figure seemed to be scrawling something on a rectangular sheet and the other two were holding something down to the ground.

Straining his ears to hear what they were shouting, he picked up words such as 'chimney' and 'rabbit'. He rushed impatiently to the door, grabbing his bath robe to cover his bare chest and shorts, and hurried down to the grounds. Only one person on Magvel could use the words 'chimney' or 'rabbit' in an insulting way.

'INNES' he screamed, running out over the courtyard in his bare feet and skidding slightly as he came to a halt on the moist grass.

'INNES' he yelled again, 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'

The culprit raised his head to look the half-dressed king in the eye and say,

'Measuring'

Ephraim eyed him suspiciously. 'Measuring?' he asked, 'Measuring what!?'

Innes pulled a clipboard from a tired Ewan's grasp.

'Well, _King_ Ephraim' he said sarcastically, looking his comrade up and down, 'Our wives have decided to split the confiscated land between our two nations, am I correct?'

'Ye..es' Ephraim said slowly.

'Well, obviously, as Renais lies on the border to Grado, the easiest means of dividing the land is to give that land to Renais and remove half the area of the land that Renais receives from the area on the border of Frelia. Basically, you receive x area of land and we remove half of x area from your land so that in total, Renais and Frelia each have half x extra land. '

'Oh and that's what your doing now is it?' Ephraim asked angrily.

Innes smiled diplomatically, 'Well…yes' he said, gesturing at sewing tape measure that two servants were holding against the ground so that Ewan could take notes. Considering that the measure was only about three metres long, Ephraim had no idea how he had managed to measure the distance from the Frelian border to Renais castle.

But that wasn't what was bothering him. He gestured angrily at the big black line of dead trees that come straight from the direction of Frelia.

Innes shrugged noncommittally. 'I had Ewan do it. How was I supposed to get a straight measurement if i had all those trees in the way?'

He barely had time to gasp before the usually gentle blue haired youth was gripping his collar in both hands and holding his face right up to his.

'Do you mean to tell me,' Ephraim roared, 'that you had the balls to embarrass my sister at the conference, claim my bear as yours, give me a black eye, tramp into my country with a tape measure, blast down fifty native trees and wake me up at five in the morning to tell me that you're MEASURING!?'

Innes seemed to think a minute, seeming unperturbed that he was being held by the collar by a seething, blue haired man dressed in shorts and a bath robe.

He finally seemed to come to a conclusion.

'Yes'

They both stood completely still for a moment, holding each other in the utmost contempt.

'By the way' he added, looking straight into Ephraim's eyes, 'It's my bear.'

* * *

Tana sat at the breakfast table in the great hall, a cup of tea next to her and munching on a piece of cheese and bread. She was reading over a letter in her hand, her pretty brow furrowed. Her head jerked up as Franz burst in the door, in uniform, looking distressed.

'Milady!' he cried, 'Out on the lawn! King Innes and Ephraim are fighting'

The Queen straightened for a moment and asked 'are they using weapons?'

'No milady'

She relaxed, taking a bite from her bread.

Franz looked at her stunned.

She looked up at him swallowing.

'Franz' she said addressing him, 'How would you like to visit your brother in Frelia?'

The paladin looked startled.

'I..I'd like that very much milady'

She smiled serenely at him.

'Excellent. You can go tomorrow; Amelia can cover your duties for you. But I need you to take a letter to Eirika for me. I need to tell her I've found her lost husband'


End file.
